Live from Cincinnati, Ohio this is the Raw Deal…
We start with Randy Orton & John Cena facing off backstage in front of the Raw Roulette wheel. They spun the wheel to determine the stipulation on their match later. No wait, Eve spun it. That’s why she makes the big bucks! It ended up being a Tables Match. Orton walked away (actually he slithered) while Josh pointed out that the last time Cena was a in a Tables match he lost the title to Sheamus (at the TLC PPV). Cena said no worries because he’s feeling lucky tonight.
It’s the Season Premiere of Raw. Whatever the hell that means. It’s also the 902nd episode, if that matters. Michael Cole is also a douchebag. That matters.
The guest star (no longer are they known as guest hosts) is Chad Ochocinco of the Cincinnati Bengals. If you don’t know his real last name is Johnson. He legally changed it to Ochocinco because he wears #85 in the NFL. Yes, he’s that weird. Good choice for the local fans, but do international fans know much about him? Probably not. He’s a flamboyant guy as well as a good talker for an athlete. He fit the role better than most guest stars. Miz came out. He did some strong promo work on Ocho boy, who fired back. I was stunned that they didn’t make a Cleveland joke since Miz is from there and Cincy doesn’t like Cleveland. The GM buzzed in to say Miz would have a match, so they had Alicia backstage spinning the wheel. It ended up being a Submission match. Then the GM, who types VERY fast, said Ochocinco gets to pick the opponent. He says it’s a guy that make Miz submit in 85 ways, Daniel Bryan.
Daniel Bryan d. The Miz/Alex Riley (NR)
The match with Miz went a couple of minutes. Miz faked some hernia injury. Alex Riley, who apparently doesn’t have a contract even though he’s allowed to stand ringside at Raw every week, was then subbed in for Miz. He had his wallet & watch on, so gave those to the ref. And of course Bryan made him tap to the LeBell Lock in less than a minute. Post match, Miz attacked (he was healed!) and Bryan put him in the LeBell Lock. Miz tapped like crazy. I thought they’d move the belt onto Bryan at the PPV. Now I’m not so sure.
Backstage, Jillian spun the wheel. She sung “Right Round” or whatever it’s called while Edge joined in. Was it the 80s version or the remake? Who knows? They are really making Edge into a silly heel. He’s funny, but it hurts credibility. The wheel kept spinning as they went to break.
Edge d. Evan Bourne in a bodyslam challenge (NR)
Remember when it looked like Bourne was getting a push? He’s back to losing to losing in two minutes again. Thrilling. After the match, Edge speared him. The GM, showing those fierce typing skills, buzzed in to say he didn’t like Edge’s post match attack. He would have another match.
Mark Henry d. Edge in a bodyslam challenge (NR)
KOOL-AID~! Nothing says selling PPV buys by having a main eventer lose to a guy that never wins. Genius booking! Mark quenched his thirst with a bodyslam in about 30 seconds. My only theory as to why Edge is booked so poorly is because they are going to move him over to Smackdown in October when that show is on Syfy. He continues to have problems with the GM, so the GM trades him away. It makes storyline sense.
There was a “song and dance” match. Holy shit this was dumb. R-Truth was “randomly” picked for this with Eve as his partner while Ted Dibiase had Maryse with him. Also, R-Truth “randomly” had a new song ready to go for this “random” draw. It’s almost like this is scripted! (That’s sarcasm, people. Don’t bitch to me.) Truth sang, Eve danced & Cole complained because he’s anti R-Truth. Then Ted poorly sang “My Way” by Frank Sinatra while Maryse poorly danced. I guess they’re trying to show some personality in the wooden Dibiase character. Didn’t work. Of course they fought after with the babyfaces looking good. This was a painful segment to watch. “This is stupid. This is ridiculous,” Dibiase said. He was right.
Backstage, Regal watched on as the wheel landed on Trading Places. Ochocinco informed him that he had to trade places with his opponent meaning they had to dress like the other guy. It was Goldust. Oh the comedy that would commence. Sheamus showed up. Ocho told him that he would face Morrison and if JoMo won he’d take Jericho’s spot in the WWE title match at the PPV. They spun the wheel to determine the match stip: Falls Count Anywhere. Sheamus insulted Chad and then he left. The Bella Twins were in the segment too. They did nothing like usual. They are my heroes. They get paid to do nothing. I wish I could do that. So smart, sexy & powerful! (That’s sarcasm. Very obvious sarcasm. I just want to make sure you know.)
Backstage, Ryder asked Edge what the GM’s problem is, did Edge steal his girlfriend? Edge pointed out the obvious and said he doesn’t know who he is, so how could he? Well played. He also called Zack a tool. That’s a lovely word. Edge said when he wins the belt he’s going to do a hold up until he finds out who the GM is. Edge is not winning the belt.
They showed Morrison backstage jumping over and onto things in his unique Parkour training style. The guy is a great athlete.
Sheamus d. John Morrison in a Falls Count Anywhere Match (**1/2)
This was a good match. They went into the crowd and ended it up on the stage. It went about 8 minutes with Morrison hitting a cross body from about ten feet up. He covered Sheamus, who kicked out. Jericho showed up, hit him with a chair in the back and Sheamus covered since there was no DQ. I was fine with this. It seems to me like they’re giving Morrison more of a push because he beat Jericho clean last week and didn’t lose clean to Sheamus this week. They also showed his training methods backstage while trying to put over his athleticism really hard. A John Morrison push? I hope so. The guy deserves it as much as anybody on the Raw brand. He can really work. I approve of this decision…if an actual decision has been made to push the guy.
In the ring Chris Jericho was sitting on the chair saying he wants to be re-inserted into the WWE Title match at Night of Champions. He’s not leaving till the anonymous GM tells him. Cue the GM noise, Cole goes to say he received an email and Jericho yelled: “Of course you have an email you idiot! Just read it.” Epic. Line of the year? Maybe. The GM, who obviously types fast because the comments are already printed on a paper on the computer (how does WWE continue to let this happen?), said Jericho had to beat the Hart Dynasty in a cage match. Wait, did the stipulation get picked via Raw Roulette? I thought that’s what this show was. I want to see the wheel spin, damnit. I don’t like holes in the booking. As they went to break Jericho was yelling at Cole some more. This was classic Jericho. An awesome segment. I love that man.
While Jericho waits for the Hart Dynasty, why not read my column where I give five reasons why Jericho will stay in WWE long term. Read it, troglodyte!
Chris Jericho d. The Hart Dynasty in a Steel Cage Match (**)
Jericho was working in his dress pants. The shoes looked to be his wrestling boots although it wasn’t a clear giveaway. It wouldn’t be safe working in dress shoes when there’s climbing involved. The deal was that it was a handicap match with steel cage rules. DH and Tyson hit him with the Hart Attack clothesline. DH climbed one side and got out while Jericho was able to keep Tyson in. Logically it’s dumb because why would you climb out to leave your partner alone, essentially losing your advantage? It’s wrestling, though, so these things happen. You just shrug your shoulders. There’s no plausible explanation other than “I thought he would get out too!” It became a singles match, which was great. He really gave Tyson a lot of offense to make him look credible. Jericho was in the defensive position the entire match, which helped tell a great story. Tyson had him in the Sharpshooter, Jericho go the ropes, but that couldn’t end it because it was a cage. He used the ropes for leverage to kick out. The finish came with Jericho sitting on the top rope, Tyson went to give him the hurricanrana and Jericho caught him on the way down. Wow, that’s a risky spot. There was two inches of space between Tyson’s head and the mat. That would have been VERY painful. Jericho put him in the Walls seamlessly for the tapout win after about 7 minutes. Why did nobody walk out the door? Because that’s easy. Nobody ever uses the door! That’s my usual gripe about WWE cage matches.
I should point out that during all this they mentioned the Six Pack Challenge would be elimination style. If you get pinned you are out. That’s better than a single fall. It will also lead to a longer match that will be better than a one fall match. I approve.
Goldust d. William Regal (NR)
Regal was dressed as Goldust. It was funny, but not as funny as some of Regal’s stuff. Goldust was dressed as Regal. After Regal did the Goldust hand rise into the chomp, Goldust grabbed brass knucks and KO’d him for the win. It was maybe 10 seconds. Match of the year!
They did a PPV rundown. I think Sheamus is keeping the belt. I could change my mind. Preview is going up in a couple of days.
Randy Orton d. John Cena in a Tables Match (**1/2)
The star rating for this one is hard say because it involved so many people. I liked the work up until the point where the run-ins began. I was expecting a screwy finish, but with the table stip they couldn’t do a DQ. Even though this was their first singles match on TV in 2010 the chemistry was still there from all the matches that took place a year ago. There were some nice counters by both guys. Better than their usual. Cena had Orton in the STF when Nexus came out. They took care of Tarver, Otunga and Slater easy. Barrett gave Cena the Wasteland, then he and Gabriel worked him over. They were going to give him the 450 through the table until Orton shoved Gabriel off and managed to put Barrett through a table shortly after. Edge & Jericho came out. Orton moved out of the way, so like a bunch of bumbling fools they went through a table propped up in the corner thanks to Edge’s spear. That’s seven bodies scattered around ringside. How about one more? Sheamus came out. Cena gave him the AA on the floor. That’s 8 bodies. Cena went back in, Orton went for the DDT, Cena countered to the AA. It looked like he was going to put him through the table. Instead, Orton countered into the RKO. The finish was supposed to be that Orton missed the table and Cena was supposed to go through cleanly. The problem is that part of Orton’s body went through it, so it wasn’t an obvious win for Orton. There was confusion until Orton rose up with his arm in the air. It was a nice spot to try, but the execution of it was off a bit.
The show ended with Orton standing triumphant while nine bodies continued to lay motionless around the ring. They showed the replay of the finish. It didn’t look good from any angle. It’s okay. The effort was there. It was a tough spot because Cena had to push Orton forward and he didn’t get him far enough. They sold it like he did. Orton goes into the PPV match as the clear favorite.
Three Stars of the Show
1. Chris Jericho – Easy. For yelling at Cole like he did that’s the easiest star of the show I’ve ever seen.
2. John Morrison – I’m strongly in favor of a push.
3. The GM that types very fast. I go about 70 WPM, but I think the GM has me beat. And the GM is also able to print the emails without a printer for Cole to read to the world. Amazing.
Worst Moment of the Week
The song & dance thing was really bad. At least they didn’t involve Khali.
5 out of 10
Last week: 7
Last week was better. This week was hit & miss hence the average score of five. In terms of matches it was better than a typical Raw. I liked Morrison/Sheamus as a PG brawl while Jericho/THD was solid and Orton/Cena was mostly good. I don’t understand some of the booking, though. Edge was made to look far too weak, they did the same angle with Jericho that they did at Summerslam and in the main event it was so overbooked that I thought I was watching TNA.
If every title is on the line why didn’t they announce a match for The Hart Dynasty? Maybe they will on Smackdown.
I thought the promotion of the PPV was okay, but not great. Having guys crashing into tables is good if you’re promoting TLC or something. I’m not sure if it was the best move in this situation. The US title match is what I’m most looking forward to at the PPV.
I didn’t mind Chad Ochocino as host. He wasn’t intrusive at all and he was comfortable enough on the microphone. Sometimes when they are bad it kills the atmosphere. He was acceptable in his performance.
“Of course you have an email you idiot! Just read it.”
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