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So I think my truck is trying to kill me. Well maybe that is a little bit of an overstatement. But I think it has something against me. I don’t see why I have to fill it with gas every week. I think that is pretty unreasonable, but I do it anyway. True, I have been ignoring its requests for a new timing chain, shocks, and breaks. I know someday those things have to be replaced, but not right now.

I’ve always had compassion for my truck parking it on the street. I feel like I am leaving it out in the cold to get salty and rusty while I sleep comfortably in a warm bed. I try to wash it every time I fill up with gas to make up for it, but I’m not sure that is enough. I believe that it is deliberately trying to make me uncomfortable—nay—downright inconvenience me for years of neglect.

It all started with the dash board. It rattles incessantly. I bought some new stereo speakers thinking that one of them was blown, but it turns out the vibrations only got worse. Had I blown the new ones? I almost stabbed a pen through one of them for the sake of sanity, but the grill stopped it (I’m not sure what caused me to think that was a reasonable course of action). And it rattled all the more. Finally in a fit of rage I rained down blows on the dashboard with my bear hands and it suddenly stopped. AM stations sound crisp and clear! Except, now it rattles just by virtue of having the engine idling. Surely this is worse.

Passengers in my truck have witnessed this terrible relationship. One of them tried to speak tenderly to my dashboard saying, “Oh come on now. You are making Adam upset. Please, could you stop that?” Much to our surprise, her friendly and soothing voice seemed to have a calming effect on the disgruntled dashboard. But it would only last for a moment; it soon returned as I accelerated. Corporeal punishment followed and my gentle passenger fled the scene with tears in her eyes.

Yesterday things took a turn for the worse. After the ritual gas filling and car wash I was later surprised to learn that my key would not turn the lock on the door handle. This was most inconvenient. I had to enter the vehicle through the passenger side. After it warmed up I was able to unlock the door from both the inside and out, and I thought the matter had been resolved. Not so. This cycle has repeated it self four times, and I am mocked every time I try to turn the key after things have cooled. But this is not the end of the story. As I was trying to exit the vehicle I found myself securely strapped in. Apparently I had not sufficiently pushed the seatbelt button. I tried once again to remove the buckle from the socket, but it was to no avail. And so I sat in my truck as a prisoner on Chicago Avenue for 10 minutes struggling to free myself from its eternal grasp. Finally I was able to free myself after a feat of strength and agility. I had to literally crawl out of it, which was a lot like trying to get out of a tight pair of pants. From there it took another 10 minutes to find out what the problem was: a very stubborn button.

This state of affairs is most unnerving. What’s next? An attack of the air filter? The heater acting as an air conditioner? The steering wheeling falling off? Anything is possible at this point.

If only philosophers would run for President!

*MOM hands me the phone*–”Andrew has something to tell you.”

ADAM: Hey. What’s up?”

ANDY: Not much.

ADAM: Yeah?

ANDY: Dude.

ADAM: What?

ANDY: I got engaged.

ADAM: Really? Are you serious?

ANDY: Yeah. Last night…

ADAM: …

ANDY: …

ADAM: Wow! That’s great! That’s really good news!

ANDY: I know.

ADAM: So how long had you been dating up until now?

ANDY: Seven years.

ADAM: Yeah. It’s about time. I mean either crap or get off the pot, right?

ANDY: [laughs] Yeah, it’s about time.

ADAM: It is about time! So have you set a date?

ANDY: Naaaah, were taking it easy.

ADAM: Right.

ANDY: We probably will wait a couple of more years before we do that.

ADAM: Get married or set a date?

ANDY: [laughs] Well you know, we both are in school and can’t afford it right now. So yeah, well just push it out.

ADAM: Awesome. Well, I’m happy for ya man.

ANDY: Thanks.

ADAM: See ya at Christmas!

ANDY: Yep.

I love my brother so much.

The Truth
When Christmas shopping
All I see is stuff I want
Left store with nothing

Christmas in Haiti or America
Seventy dollars
will put a kid through grade school
or buy a nice tie

Kevin’s Eggnog
So good and so smooth
I wanted it in my mouth
but spilled on your couch

To the Salvation Army Person
When you ring the bell
I give you all my money
And hope you will stop